Wallungen

and we talked about Netflix
and we talked about the war
les armes pour l'Ukraine
and the mushrooms in my frigo
nous avons parlé de nos os malades
les vêtements, les hormones, les vitamines,
our careers and our partners
AI et toutes les crises
nous lisons à propos d'aujourd'hui

but what is it with the hate in the world
and what is it with my flowers
they are dying, it’s too hot
but there’s nobody to water them
during my Ayurveda retreat
I compete with the time, and how are you ?

let me have a sip of wine
and I’ll tell you what I think
about the elections, the stars and tanks
I’ll tell you how I see the future or the past
through James Webb Space Telescope
how I cope with not having hope
for the world
as long as it gives me comfort
and the feeling of importance
I’m informed, and how about you?

there’s an olive in my mouth
mixed with quinoa salad
and the fruit
strange fruit, bitter touch
a sip of a french wine,
intertwined with words like
strike and mother and all the other
less important people
but have we ever spoken about NATO?
the kids in Yemen or Plato?

la mondialisation dans ma bouche
mélange autosuffisant de goût, de son et de pensée
rien de nouveau
always proof of life in this
quasi 3 dimensional fairytale of happiness and success
I am full, and how are you ?

Elle vient ici sans être invitée
cheveux blonds longs
sa beauté hurle dans mon visage,
avec des restes de nature dans ses yeux
dans ces yeux aux couleurs de l'arc-en-ciel
déguisée en confiance, comme elle le penserait

under those layers
I imagine her short past
her future
and the answers
to why the heck does she think
I’d be happy to get her advice

I hope she’s not planning
To talk to me
with only 20 years of being here
in this world

there is a perfume wall between us
sweet – flowers dung on my tongue
I do not breathe
I hope she won’t talk
I hope she won’t instruct me
about the needs
of my mid – forties face

et puis ça commence
avec persistance, beaucoup de mots
Je cours vers cet état sourd de mon esprit
le seul moyen d'éviter
ses idées sur la façon de redéfinir
l'âge, mes rides
des taches sombres et des mèches lâches

ah, she knows so well what I need
reciting the lyrics of that Douglas Lied
thinking – I’ll be happy to get her guidance
about the demands of midlife crisis

et la grâce n'est pas ce que je ressens
les flashes chauds sont ce que je ressens,
un besoin de punching-ball ou de hurlement
un glam au bout de ce tunnel plein de mots

I need a solution for my mood
not another reason for being rude
if I only could…
I’m shrinking, I’m thinking
whether to buy
the most expensive thing in the store
or nothing at all
I need a solution for my anger

et la grâce n'est pas ce que je ressens
les flashes chauds sont ce que je ressens,
Mood Swings
Brain Fog
Manque de motivation
Têtes
Sweats de nuit
Douceur du sein
Flashes chauds
Arrêt des périodes
Problèmes digestifs
Gain de poids rapide
Perte de la libido
Sécheresse vaginale
Ostéoporose
Rigidité des articulations
Aches musculaires
Diminution de la confiance en soi
Teintures pour cheveux
Peau sèche
Acné
Yeux secs
Wrinkles
Bouche sèche
Bloating
Fatigue
Insomnie
Anxiété
Douleur urinaire
Sentiment de claudication
Bouche en feu
Cheveux du visage
Dizziness
Manque de concentration
Dépression

Elle vient ici sans être invitée
cheveux blonds longs
sa beauté hurle dans mon visage
Son nom est : Vends-moi tout ce que tu as

je connais ce lieu de non-désir
de l'indolence royale et de l'accrochage sacré
un lieu où je n'ouvre jamais mon application météo,
et j'ai des pyjamas pour toutes les occasions

a silent protest of the dust spread around all the floors
like grey blow-balls dispersed around the summer afternoon
but I don’t care, I let them live their dusty lives

et moi comme la reine de ma journée
paradant entre le canapé et la cuisine
commander et laisser sortir les souvenirs d'un après-midi heureux

I make a list of all the things I won’t do today:
I won’t try
I won’t let the guilt to sneak in this light room
only sunlight in the room
I won’t…

I won’t plan, or… I will
It’s nice to spend a minute or two
thinking about me do
nothing else but making blue
like that German girl I knew
she was the best, the master in blau machen
she would be able to make the whole world easy
like Sunday morning,

easy like the feather lost in that baby – blue sky

Everything starts with a cloud.
from big bang to the cloud
to the little big bang of the birth,
to bean stew every Friday,
from hating it to loving it,
to getting sick of it over the years,
to becoming nostalgic about the familiar, and missing that stew again,
working on it until it tastes like mother’s, then passing the recipe to the first friend that visited.

la combinaison subtile d'actions conscientes et inconscientes
fait le parfait civet de haricots.

entropy of my will,
longing for the Friday’s bean stew in my family home,
a bit of stardust,
technology,
infinite procrastination,
hunger, 400g of white beans planted by some Stephan in Oyten,
and extra time that social distancing gave us to start missing the things.

meanwhile the snow stopped,
that tireless boy from downstairs is turning the building upside-down
the universe is still expanding,
my neighbourhood sounds busy,
police sirens acting like Munich is a metropole,
and I’m trying to get my head around this chaotic thoughts,
eager to make an order of this disorder of a system.
all turning towards transformation,
as Greeks would translate.

There is no end. there is only the process that is happening in uncountable Nows.
Now now now…

at the end there can still be some dancing with the dead,
ashes turned into shiny colorful beads,
or what I would choose – sitting on a chair, in the fanciest of clothes,
with a lit cigarette in my lips.

it starts with the cloud, and ends in the same.